What is shame, how does it affect our lives, and—more importantly—how can we deal with it? If you feel like you need to hide, that you cannot connect with those around you, or that you’re flawed in any way…this post is for you. I uncover what drives shame and how we can remove it from our lives.
Before going into some of the ways we can remove shame, it’s important to first understand (1) the difference between shame and guilt and (2) the cycle shame uses to protect itself. With these two foundations laid, I’ll address three different ways to eradicate shame from your life.
Guilt v. Shame
Guilt says I did something bad. Shame says I am bad.
We feel guilty because of something we did. We feel shame because of something we believe we are. Guilt concerns actions and shame deals with our very person. Many confuse the two because guilt can lead to and fortify shame.
Shame causes a fear of disconnect…A fear that we’re not able to deeply connect with others. Because of shame it becomes really hard for us to be vulnerable and authentic. What is authenticity? Authenticity is being willing to let go of who you think you should be to be who you really are.
The Shame, Fear, Control Cycle
When in our lives, shame fuels a cycle to protect itself, but this cycle can be broken.
When shames enters…fear and control come into place as well. We feel shame. Because of this shame we fear people will really get to know us…and reject us. This fear causes us to do our best to control situations as a protection mechanism.
We try to control others so they’ll never know who we really are…even though what we might believe about ourselves is acutely a lie.
Remember the Garden of Eden? Adam and Eve felt shame for the first time…and became afraid…so they hid. First, they felt shame. Second, they became afraid God would see their shame. Finally, they took control of the situation by hiding.
This is called the shame, fear, control cycle. Shame is the fuel that runs the cycle…remove the fuel…stop the cycle. Three ways we can eradicate shame from our lives is to be vulnerable, remove ungodly beliefs, and spend time with God.
Be Vulnerable
First, be vulnerable. Being vulnerable shines the light on shame. Shame wants everything to be in secret. When you’re able to be vulnerable you’re saying this is who I am and this is what I’m dealing with. When this happens, you turn on the light and the light flushes out the darkness.
We all have a need for connection and to be known. Shame hinders our ability to form those relationships. Whereas, vulnerability allows you to be known for who you really are, which allows for deep connections and relationships.
Having shame and being vulnerable do not mix well. When I’m afraid to be myself and let you know who I truly am, I am not able to be vulnerable.
This has nothing to do with the other person, but has everything to do with me. If I believe I’m flawed…I become afraid to let others truly get to know me. I’m afraid that is they see the real me they’ll run. The problem is the real me is awesome, I just don’t see it. What you see and believe about yourself is not what others see and believe about you.
What we fear so much is nothing but an illusion created by the enemy. The problem is the illusion’s not broken until we shine light on the shame.
Brene Brown, author and shame expert said
“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
In order for us to tell our story…we must be vulnerable. It’s hard. Its scary…but it is crucial.
Action Tip
Find a close friend who you can tell your whole story. Pick a friend who will not judge or criticize you. What you need to hear is you’re not alone and you’re not flawed. I have a couple of friends like this in my life and telling my story removes the shame from my story.
If you’re married, try talking to your spouse. It’ll help develop a closer connection with the person and will help them better understand and love you.
Remove Ungodly Beliefs
Next, remove ungodly beliefs. Ungodly Beliefs (UGBs) are things we believe to be true, but are proved false when compared to what God says.
When looking back at my life I realized that I was believing so many lies. My belief in these lies were so strong because I had experience to back them. I knew they had to be true. Then something happened. I wondered what if my experience was the lie.
What if what I thought was happening wasn’t really the truth? What I was dealing with was ungodly beliefs. (UGB’s) An ungodly belief is something that appears to be true based on my experiences; however, when compared to the Word of God they are false.
UGB’s are tricky little buggers. Jesus; however, paid for our freedom from buggers no matter how tricky they might be.
UGB’s keep us from authentic and vulnerable. They come from many different places. They can form from experiences, the media, be passed down your family line, or develop from plain “stinking thinking.”
Stinking thinking is negative self talk. It’s like feeding your soul McDonalds. It’s not healthy.
Remove UGBs…Remove Shame
We can remove shame by realizing the lie we’ve been believing and replacing that belief with the truth God revels. For instance, if you’re believing you’re flawed and will never receive love, replace the lie with the truth that you’re wonderfully made and are not flawed…and that God not only absolutely knows you and loves you, but has built you to receive love from Him and others.
Be careful with your self-talk. Pay attention to what you’re telling yourself. The way we talk to ourselves demonstrate our heart. If you’re constantly calling yourself stupid…stop it. Replace that negative self-talk with the positive. Replacing the negative with the positive helps the process of renewing your mind.
The Three Keys
How do you destroy UGB’s? There are three keys. These keys help with all types of inner healing…especially ungodly beliefs. The three keys are: Confession, Repentance, and Forgiveness.
Key 1: Confession
The first key is confession. Confession is just telling God the mistakes that you have made.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)
When you confess it brings freedom to your soul as your Father cleanses you from all unrighteousness.
Key 2: Repentance
The second key is repentance. Repenting is like a doing a “u” turn while driving. Sometimes it may be a little scary but every time you will end up going in the opposite direction. When we are going in the wrong direction we are to repent. Turn around. One step in the right direction is better than one hundred in the wrong direction.
So the excuse “it’s too late” or “I have done this for too long” doesn’t work. Repenting is also a process. The larger the vehicle the longer it takes to turn around. Give yourself grace. Something spectacular happens when you turn around and begin the journey home.
John the Baptist, my favorite locus eating prophet, preached saying,
“Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.” (Matthew 3:2)
I believe that what John was saying is that when you turn around you will find the Kingdom of Heaven within your reach. It is at hand.
“Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.” (Acts 3:19)
God longs to give us times of refreshing. Your loving Father is running towards you and the Kingdom of heaven is about to invade your life as you feel the embrace of Father God. It’s more refreshing than a classic coke in a glass bottle.
Key 3: Forgiveness
The third key is forgiveness. Not forgiving someone doesn’t hold them hostage; it holds you hostage.
“For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” (Matthew 6:14-15)
As we forgive so we are also forgiven. Welcome to another process. Sometimes we need to forgive more than once. Forgiveness is more than a decision, it’s a lifestyle. When using this key we want to forgive anyone that was involved in whatever it was that hurt us.
We are not saying that whatever the person did was okay we are just saying that we are no longer going to hold it against them. By doing that we are freeing them and we are positioning ourselves to receive more freedom. The more you have been forgiven the easier it is to forgive.
You deserve to spend eternity in Hell but God is offering you forgiveness. Saying you deserve to be tortured forever without relief is not very “WWJD,” but it does put forgiveness in perspective. So, please forgive me.
As it concerns shame and ungodly beliefs…we need to both ask for and give forgiveness. The first person we need to forgive is ourselves. We started believing a lie and have allowed shame to enter our lives.
The second person we need to forgive is anyone who contributed to us believing the lie.
Using the Three Keys to Remove Ungodly Beliefs
First you need to confess the sin of believing the lie. Yes, believing the lie is a sin because you are empowering the enemy.
Next, ask for forgiveness for believing the lie. God is quick to forgive. Then you forgive. Forgive those who contributed to you believing the lie and you need to forgive yourself for believing the lie.
When forgiveness has been given then you can renounce and break the UGB. Renouncing is declaring that you no longer have whatever it is you’re renouncing.
Finally, ask God for the truth. That way you can replace the UGB with a GB, Godly belief. Boom! Look at you getting all free and stuff.
Spend Time with God
Finally, spend time with God. Spend intentional time in God’s presence. Share with God what you’re going through…doing this shines the light on shame. Shame cannot be in the light. Moreover, God really wants to be with you. By spending time with God we’re also filling our need for connection and relationship with God.
We were built for communion with God. Having a quiet time with God not only removes shame, but also keeps it from returning.
When we have a quiet time we get to experience intimate union and communion with God. We are God’s children, which means He loves us and wants to spend time with us. I’m always astounded when I think about how God not only loves me…but He actually likes me. In fact, He calls me His friend.
You know what? The same is true. You are a friend of God. You’re invited to experience intimacy reserved for the closest of friends. However, most people never experience that intimacy with God simply because they never spend time with Him.
Stop Shame by Inserting a New Filter
In addition to experiencing the intimate union and communion with God, when we spend time with Him, we not only begin the removal process of shame, but we also begin inserting a new filter that keeps shame from returning. This is because all thoughts begin to flow through this filter of love, connection, and history.
God, the creator of the universe, wants to spend time with you. He wants to walk with you and talk with you. He wants to develop History with you. My closest friends and I have history. We’ve been friends for decades. They’ve been with me through my darkest times and in my best times. They’ve cried with me, encouraged me, and celebrated with me throughout all of these years.
God wants to have the same type of relationship with us. Unfortunately, this is something I can teach, but not give.
I can teach you how I study the Bible or tell you all the stories I have with God. I can pray with you, be in community with you, and guide you…BUT what I CAN NOT do is give you my History with God. You have to build your own history with God.
That is done through spending time with Him. History with God is built by having a consistent and life-giving, quiet time. By doing this you will also be (1) eradicating shame from your life and (2) preventing shame from sneaking back in.
Quiet Time Challenge
If you struggle having a consistent and enjoyable quiet time, join me for a 5-Day Quiet Time Challenge. In addition to receiving my free quiet time guide, detailing the five things I do when having a quiet time, you’ll also receive one email a day during the challenge to help kick start your quiet time. Join the challenge and get my free guide.
Take the Quiet Time Challenge
Conclusion
Shame causes a fear of disconnect which results in us not deeply connecting with others. Shame makes it difficult for us to be vulnerable and authentic. The good news is we can eradicate shame from our lives and keep it from coming back. We can do this by being vulnerable, removing ungodly beliefs, and having a consistent and life-giving quiet time with God.
This is not a one time event. Say a prayer and it’s over. It’s a lifestyle. A lifestyle of vulnerability and humility.
Trust me, its worth it. Its not weakness…its strength. Anyone can hide…it takes the truly strong to be who they were created to be…and you my friend were designed and created to live without shame. To live with deep meaningful relationships with God and with others.
Why not start now? In the comments, share an ungodly belief you’ve struggled with…along with the godly belief you’re now believing.
For example:
Ungodly Belief (UGB): I’m flawed and will never receive real love.
Godly Belief (GB): I’m wonderfully made. God fully knows me and fully loves me. He created me not only to love, but also to receive love from Him and from others.
