Everybody is a leader, though not everyone leads well. Not everyone leads with compassion. I don’t care if you’re the CEO of your company, the corporate manager, or the youprenuer…you know…running your own online business…by yourself…you’re still a leader. My question to you is “Are you a compassionate leader?”
It may seem obvious for some of those examples, but what about the youprenuer…the blogger? You’re still a leader and a very important one. You’re a thought leader. You lead your ideal readers and your customers. Compassionate leadership is for everyone…you don’t have an out in this one. Keep reading to learn how you can become a compassionate leader in your sphere of influence.
We are Hardwired for Compassion
Our species survive because we help one another. This role of compassion is embedded in us. It’s hardwired into our thinking and our very being. No, I’m not saying that everyone is amazingly kind and compassionate, what I’m saying is we all are hardwired to bend towards compassion than selfishness.
Think about, we were made in God’s image. God is good. He is love. There is no one more compassionate than our Heavenly Father…and He made us…He made you…in His image.
I think being made in the image of God means that some of His attributes are found hardwired in our brain. Attributes like love, joy, peace, and compassion.
Moreover, scientific research shows that we are hardwired for compassion. Recent studies show that it takes more energy for someone to make a selfish action than it does for someone to perform an act of compassion.
Selfishness is not just about taking stuff…it also concerns taking over conversations. The compassionate leader is not selfish.
Because we are hardwired for compassion, we are hardwired for compassionate leadership. Compassionate leadership can easily become our default style of leadership…and it will take less energy than acting otherwise.
Compassionate leadership is the act of leading through understanding and caring. Compassionate leadership is empathy plus a commitment to act. Compassion is more than mere empathy.
The Difference Between Compassion and Empathy
In the Compassionate Achiever, Dr. Kukk defines compassion in his book, The Compassionate Achiever, as “a holistic understanding of a problem or the suffering of another with a commitment to act to solve the problem or alleviate the suffering.”
Empathy, on the other hand, is merely the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. With empathy there is no commitment to act.
We are not called to be merely empathetic, we’re called to be compassionate…to act. Let me give you an example.
If you’re a manger and one of your employees comes to you crying and says he too stressed out because he doesn’t see a way to finish his task by the end of the week. One leader might say, “Sorry, but thats your job…figure it out.” I think we would both agree that that’s not good leadership.
A good leader might respond with, “I’m sorry your stressed. I feel you. I’ve been there before. I know you can do this if you just put your mind to it. This is a pretty good response. I would even say they’re being a good leader…they’re leading with empathy; however, they are not leading with compassion.
Remember, compassionate leadership is empathy plus a commitment to act.
The compassionate leader would respond with, “I’m sorry your stressed. I feel you. I’ve been there before. Let’s talk about what we can do to get this done by the end of the week.” Then they talk through some plans of how the employee could finish his task. Maybe the leader even goes on to give advice on stress management. That is compassionate leadership.
The Difference Between Hearing and Listening
A compassionate leader goes beyond hearing, but truly listens. Hearing has to do with quantity of sound. Listening has to do with the quality of sound.
Sometimes I listen to audio books while cooking dinner. Almost every time I’m doing this, my roommate walks in and starts talking to me. I have to hold up my hand…signaling for him to give me a moment, as I take out my AirPods and pause the book.
I heard him speaking to me…but I was also hearing the audio book. I wanted to listen to both. However, for me to be to listen to both I need to listen to each one individually. I listen to my roommate…and then I return to my audiobook…unless the audio book is really good…then I listen to the audio book first.
The point is, I can hear both, but I can only listen to one. Hearing has to do with the quantity of sound, whereas listening deals with the quality of sound. I need to decrease the quantity and increase the quality.
When you’re engaging with others, ensure you’re truly listening to them. Decrease the quantity and increase the quality. If you’re having an important conversation, try rephrasing what the other person said and ask, “What I hear you saying is…” This not only shows that your truly listening, but that you actually want to connect and hear what they have to say. Ask questions.
Questioning is Caring
Asking questions is a way of showing you care. You truly want to connect and understand the other person. When someone comes to with a problem, ask questions. For all my bloggers, when your talking with your ideal readers, maybe ask questions like “Why do you think your stuck in this area?” “What can I do that will help?” “What information do you need in order to overcome this obstacle?”
Asking great questions is great for clarifying misinterpretations. When you use the phrase, “What I hear you saying is…” you give the other person a chance to say “No, that’s not what I mean.” This opens the door for you to ask some great questions to clarify their statement and their position.
Maybe your writing about the wrong topics. Maybe you think your audience is at one level, but the majority of your audience is at a different level. Ask your readers questions in order to bring clarity to what they need. Maybe they need something different than what they believe they need…or maybe they need something you didn’t realize they needed.
Additionally, asking great questions will help you develop new ideas. Going back to the example above, maybe the compassionate leader ask questions and brainstorms with his employee to determine new ways to finish task quicker and simpler. Maybe the compassionate leader asks questions that lead to new ways for the employee to manage his job with less stress.
If you want to come up with new ideas, then ask questions that inspire answers that revel something new. Questions like “What would you do in this situation?” and “How do you think we should handle this?”
Aperture: Understanding Photography and Questioning
The aperture setting in photography controls the diameter of the lens opening. The larger the opening the more light enters the camera and vice versa. Photographers know they need to control the aperture in order to take great photos. They’re aware of how open the lens is while photo is being taken.
The same should be true when asking questions. The compassionate leader is a master of knowing how open the questions are. If you want the other person to immediately close off and shut down, ask a series of closed ended questions. If you truly want to listen, ask open ended questions.
Lawyers learn this during law school. During a direct examination you ask open ended questions because you want the jury to really listen to the witness’s story. However, during cross-examination you ask closed ended questions. You want the jury to hear your points.
During direct examination you want the jury to hear the witness. During cross-examination you want the jury to hear you.
As a compassionate leader ask more open ended questions. If you want to truly see the subject, you need light. Let more of the light in.
Open ended questions are ones like, “How do you feel?” and “What do you think?” Closed ended questions are ones like, “You feel stressed, don’t you?” and “You think this is stupid, right?” Open ended questions invite the other person to talk. Closed ended questions force a “yes” or “no” answer. A compassionate leader invites the other to talk.
Focusing the Camera
Focusing the camera is asking a mix of open ended and closed ended questions. Just like a photographer has to focus his camera to get the clearest image, you need to ask questions until you hear the clear message.
The hard part is knowing when to switch from open ended questions to closed ended questions. Use closed ended questions to really ensure you understand what the other person is saying. Use open ended questions to get more of the story. You have to be truly listening in order to know when to switch the types of questions you’re asking.
Closed ended questions, when used incorrectly will merely get the other person to say what you want. A compassionate leader explores what the other person is saying and doesn’t try to get them to merely say what they want.
Therefore, if you want to be a compassionate leader, then truly listen and focus the lens.
Remove Preconceived Ideas
While focusing the camera, please please please remove your preconceived ideas. Your preconceived ideas are your beliefs concerning the intentions of the other person or your belief concerning the situation. These thoughts can cloud your mind and create a filter that filters everything the other person states.
When you go into a conversation with preconceived ideas, you’re more likely to hear whatever it may be that reinforces those thoughts or fears. A compassionate leader does not enter into a conversation with preconceived ideas.
Compassionate leaders seek to understand where the other is coming from without their own bias interrupting the connection.
As Steven Covey stated in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” The compassionate leader removes their preconceived ideas and seeks to truly understand the other, then they can seek to be understood.
If you practice this, you’ll likely realize many of your preconceived ideas are false…but you’ll only figure this out if you first seek to understand before being understood.
Cultivating Compassion
Now that compassionate leadership as been addressed, you might be asking, “How do I cultivate compassion?” That’s a fair question. You’re right to ask it. The answer might surprise you though. You cultivate compassion by being compassionate.
You cultivate compassion by practicing compassionate leadership. The more you practice these concepts…the more these concepts will become habitual. Remember, it takes less energy to be compassionate then it takes to be selfish.
Additionally, you were made in the image of God. Ask God to help you be more compassionate. He made you and I believe He greatly desires us all to be more compassionate towards each other…therefore, I believe He will help you if you ask.
God might answer you by granting you a supernatural portion of compassion…or He might answer you by giving you more opportunities to be compassionate. I believe God does this because He knows we can cultivate compassion by practicing compassion.
Notice you cultivate compassion by practicing…not by perfecting. You are human and will make mistakes. Therefore, when you find yourself being less compassionate then you’d like. Learn from the situation and grow. You can always grow in this area.
Conclusion
Compassion is hardwired in our DNA. If you want to be a compassionate leader, truly listen, ask great questions, and act. You want to truly understand where someone is and what can help them move forward. Then, to be a compassionate leader, you need to act. Move beyond empathy and be compassionate. Finally, practice. Continue to cultivate compassion by practicing compassionate leadership. The more you practice the more you’ll grow.
Question: How are you practing compassionate leadership? Let me know in the comments.
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